I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
