I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
only you would photoshop your dick
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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