I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
