OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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