you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
