shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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