My first STD was from a foam party
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
