He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
