just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
