During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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