Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize