My nipple is on Facebook.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
