Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
