I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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