what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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