i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize