Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
