Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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