my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
