Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
