I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
