why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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