We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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