i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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