My first STD was from a foam party
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
