Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
