You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
