Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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