Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
