guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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