guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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