Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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