Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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