and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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