My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
