I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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