someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
