I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
