So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
