He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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