are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
