Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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