I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
