So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
