I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
