I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My penis needs a shock collar
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
