I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
