My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
