forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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