it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize