She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
