Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
