my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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