you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
