she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
