She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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