Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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