I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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