dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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